


i love you more than you'll ever wrap your head around

by yellowcrayoncat



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Bucket List, Cancer, Coming Out, Falling In Love, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Makeover, Misunderstandings, Not Beta Read, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Soft Tsukishima Kei, Tags Contain Spoilers, Tsukishima Kei-centric, Unhappy Ending, and so i make them suffer, i love these characters sm, i should be working on my other fic, id die for them, the first years get along rly well, the first years start a band
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 01:01:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29626725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yellowcrayoncat/pseuds/yellowcrayoncat
Summary: “Why was rock climbing even on the list if you’re so scared of heights?”Yamaguchi didn’t say anything.“What?”“You’ll laugh at me.”“Probably.”Yamaguchi frowned, weighing his options, ultimately opening his mouth to speak. “I’ve always wanted to know what everything looks like from on top of the world.”-OR When Yamaguchi finds out he has cancer, he enlists his best friend Tsukishima Kei to help him complete his bucket list.(Title courtesy of In Case You Don't Live Forever by Ben Platt.)
Relationships: Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu if you squint, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 20
Kudos: 44





	1. 1. start a bucket list

**Author's Note:**

> hi i should be working on my other fic but instead i started a new one because i love tsukiyama which means i had to make them suffer. proceed with caution.
> 
> first couple chapters will be short but i promise they'll get longer the deeper the fic goes! dont even worry abt it ive got this whole thing planned out

Tsukishima kept his cool, because it was what he’d always done.

Even when he felt emotions bubble up inside of him, threatening to spill over, he always pushed them down. For sixteen years of his life, this was his strategy, his goal, his mantra.

Nobody needs to know.

And for sixteen years of his life, it had always worked.

Even when his best friend, Yamaguchi Tadashi video called him out of the blue at 6:30PM on a school night to tell him the news.

“Acute lymphocytic leukemia,” Yamaguchi explained, his mouth clearly not yet familiar with the shape of these words. “It’s cancer.”

Tsukishima stared at his best friend through the screen of his smartphone. “Fuck,” was all he could manage before he had to look somewhere else.

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi agreed, trying not to let his voice falter. “The doctors caught it early, though! We’ve got an appointment set for later this week to talk about the next step. Really, I’m gonna be fine, it’s just… scary. You know?”

Tsukishima let a small huff escape from between his lips. “You couldn’t have started with that?” he joked with a roll of his eyes, trying not to let things get too serious. Tsukki could see behind Yamaguchi’s closed lipped smile that he wasn’t as confident in his positive statement as he was trying to be. He knew his friend too well. In that moment, he knew him better than he wanted to.

Yamaguchi chuckled. “I’m sorry, I just…” He shook his head. “I wanted you to know. I haven’t told anybody else yet. I’m gonna talk to Coach Ukai tomorrow but… I’m not sure I want to tell the team until I have to.”

Tsukishima nodded. He wouldn’t want to tell others either. He wouldn’t want to see them look at him, expressions full of pity. Kind of like the one Tsukishima wore right in that moment.

“Anyway, I’ve got to go,” Yamaguchi said, suddenly. “Apparently cancer doesn’t excuse me from dish washing duty. I just… I wanted to hear your voice.”

Normally, Tsukishima would’ve made fun of Yamaguchi for the sappy comment but every so often, even he knew when to quit. “Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He didn’t wait for a response before smashing his thumb into the end call button at the bottom of his screen.

Tsukishima would keep his cool. Yamaguchi was going to be fine.

He gripped his phone tight until his knuckles turned white.

Tsukishima would keep his cool. Yamaguchi would be better in no time.

He fell back onto his bed with a hard thud.

Tsukishima would keep his cool. Yamaguchi wasn’t going anywhere.

He squeezed his eyes shut so hard that his head began to ache.

Tsukishima would keep his cool. He’d keep his cool. He’d keep--

His thoughts were interrupted by a loud knock on his door. His eyes opened and he shot straight up into a sitting position. He tried, with no avail, not to sound too agitated when he shouted “What?” through the door.

“Mom and I are watching a movie!” Akiteru shouted back, not daring to open his brother’s door without permission. He'd only just decided to take this semester of college at home; it was way too early to be pissing off his brother again. “Join us or don’t, but if you want popcorn, you’d better hurry!”

Footsteps trailed off and then down the staircase until Tsukki could hear them no more. Usually he was far too cool to participate in movie night with his family, but tonight he would welcome the distraction and the popcorn, which happened to be his favorite.

He shoved thoughts of Yamaguchi down until he eventually drifted off into sleep.

-

Practice felt surprisingly normal. 

Partner stretches with Yamaguchi were a little more silent than usual but sometimes they just had those days. 

Yamaguchi laughed along with Hinata when Kageyama flubbed a set miserably, which to be fair, only happened because Yachi wasn’t looking where she was going and stepped right in his way when the ball touched his hands. She of course apologized profusely.

Yamaguchi jabbed Tsukishima in the side, a gesture which meant “play nice” when Tsukki made one of his infamous quips at Hinata and his excessive energy.

So really, practice was just business as usual.

Tsukishima waited for Yamaguchi after practice when he pulled Coach Ukai and Takeda sensei aside. He couldn’t hear anything but he watched their lips move and his teacher’s face fall. Ukai remained relatively stoic, but there was still a twinge of fear betraying him in his eyebrows.

The conversation felt like it was taking forever, and Tsukishima genuinely thought it might when Kageyama and Hinata were exiting the gym before them, bickering as usual.

Not that Tsukishima really wanted to intrude but he decided to get closer to their conversation to give Yamaguchi a little nudge. It was getting late and Tsukishima promised his mother he’d be home for dinner. He could’ve just walked home alone and under other circumstances he might have, but he wouldn’t leave his friend alone tonight. Not now. 

Tsukishima had some human decency after all.

“Alright then,” he heard Ukai sigh. “Just keep us updated after your appointment Friday and we’ll go from there.” He paused before awkwardly putting a hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder and adding, “I’m proud of you, kid.”

Yamaguchi smiled shyly and mumbled, “Thank you, sir.”

Feeling Tsukishima’s large presence hovering over his shoulder, Yamaguchi turned around to face his walking buddy. “Oh, hey, Tsukki. Sorry that took so long. You ready?”

Tsukishima nodded and the two of them started off, not before the taller glanced back at his coach and teacher, the latter of which looked so fragile, as if he might burst into tears at any moment.

Tsukishima just walked faster.

The silence as the two friends made their way home was starting to bother Tsukishima, which was rather unusual. He racked his brain for something, anything to say that was kind or witty or didn’t make Yamaguchi feel small, something he then realized might have never been his strong suit. “I’m sorry you have cancer,” was a sentence he considered saying for a moment but that just felt stupid and obvious and neither of those words had ever described Tsukishima.

Yamaguchi, thankfully, spoke up. “I think I should make a list.”

“You’re such an organization freak,” Tsukishima pointed out to his best friend who was genuinely a serial list maker, though it’s not like the statement wasn’t also true of himself. “What kind of list?”

“Y’know, like a bucket list. All the things I want to do before I die.” After saying those words, Yamaguchi cringed slightly.

Tsukishima raised his eyebrow. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he questioned in a tone that may have seemed cold to anybody who knew him any less than Yamaguchi did.

“I mean, I’m not saying that I’ll die,” Yamaguchi said, possibly still trying to make himself believe it. “But this has really put everything into perspective. There’s so many things I’ve never done. And why?”

Because you’re sixteen, Tsukishima wanted to say. Because you have your whole life ahead of you to do them.

“I’ve spent so much of my time being afraid. And I don’t think I want that anymore.” Yamaguchi looked up at Tsukki. He really wasn’t all that short but of course he looked tiny in comparison to his giant of a companion. “I want to feel better. Do better. You know?” He paused. “And maybe it’s dumb… but I don’t think I can do it alone. Or, I guess I don’t really want to.”

Tsukishima could feel Yamaguchi’s eyes laid on him expectantly. He knew he shouldn’t look down. If he looked down, he would be at the boy’s mercy. If he looked down, he would see those big, soft eyes and it would be impossible to refuse him.

He shouldn’t look down. He couldn’t look down.

However, a force unknown to man, let alone Tsukishima Kei, must have been having a particularly boring day because this force chose right then and there to take control of Tsukishima’s inhibitions and meddle in two insignificant humans’ lives. Really, Tsukishima wouldn’t have tilted his head down to meet those eyes if it weren’t for divine intervention. So naturally what he said next was no longer in his control.

“Where do you want to start?”


	2. 2. go rock climbling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi faces his fear of heights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things are really gonna pick up next chapter i promise
> 
> comments always appreciated!

Tsukishima was not afraid of heights.

No.

No way.

It was just that when he stood there at the bottom of the wall with colorful artificial rocks jutting out every which way, he felt his stomach doing somersaults and his vision started to go blurry. 

That was completely normal for just an average person like Tsukishima who was not, in any capacity, afraid of heights.

Yamaguchi, on the other hand, was a different story.

“It’s not too late to turn around,” said Tsukishima, praying to God that Yamaguchi would take the out. Not because he was afraid, simply because he cared for his best friend deeply, and took it upon himself to see that he was comfortable at all costs, even if that meant sacrificing his chance to go rock climbing. 

Yeah, that was it. What a good friend Tsukki was.

Yamaguchi did his best to shake off his nerves. “I know. I want to do this.”

“Why is rock climbing so high up on the list?” Tsukishima questioned. “You’re terrified of heights. Shouldn’t we work our way up to this?”

“I’ve gotta rip the bandaid off,” Yamaguchi explained, taking a deep breath. “After this, everything else will seem like a piece of cake.”

Tsukishima blinked a couple times before taking his eyes off the wall and plastering them to Yamaguchi. The safety gear looked like a horrifying torture device wrapped all around his body. Wasn’t the point of a bucket list to finish all of the tasks before you die?

“Well, then,” Tsukishima attempted to sound completely natural, though his voice cracked, which just might’ve given him away. “Ladies first.”

Yamaguchi let out a dry chuckle, cracking his neck and shaking out his limbs. He stretched his arms out and lingered for a moment, trying to find a good place to hold on. He reached for a strangely shaped blue piece but pulled back, unsure. He eventually settled on a round, red stepping stone and hoisted himself up, quickly scrambling for something to rest his foot on. “I’m doing it, Tsukki!” he called down.

Tsukishima kept the fact that he was only two or three inches off the ground to himself.

“Uh huh,” he replied, unenthusiastically. His brain was now a little more occupied with the fact that it was his turn to pick a place to start, and quickly too, so he didn’t seem like too much of a wuss.

“It’s really not that bad!” Yamaguchi continued, finding another place for his free hand. “Come on!”

Tsukishima closed his eyes while Yamaguchi climbed a little higher. He could do this. “Just don’t look down,” he said quietly to himself.

“What?” Yamaguchi shouted, a little louder than he needed to, considering he really wasn’t that high up.

He cleared his throat to prevent any further voice cracks. “I said don’t look down,” he repeated, as if the advice were meant for Yamaguchi all along.

“Okay,” he responded, eyes flitting down to his best friend, sending him a nervous smile.

And this was why Tsukishima was the smart one.

“Oh, fuck,” Yamaguchi choked out, seeing the ground that his feet no longer occupied. “Oh, fuck, oh, fuck, oh, fuck!”

Tsukishima saw his knuckles turn white as he gripped the stones with all of his might. He wasn’t even two feet off the ground, but that didn’t stop Yamaguchi from attempting to hug the wall to keep himself from crashing to the floor.

“Do you need to come down?”

“I can’t, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi yelped.

“You got yourself up there, you can get down,” Tsukishima reassured him, not wanting to hear his best friend cry because seriously, he never knew what the fuck he was supposed to do when that happened.

“Please help me.” The way Yamaguchi spoke sounded so childlike that Tsukki couldn’t help but pity him.

“Okay,” he huffed, holding his arms out, knowing full well that it didn’t do anything at all. “Just take a step.”

“I can’t, I can’t, I can’t!”

Annoyance was starting to take over Tsukishima. “Well I can’t do it for you. It’s either up or down, take your pick.”

“Okay,” Yamaguchi reluctantly agreed, but only because he had no other choice. He dragged his foot along the wall until it found a place where he could shift his weight. He continued this slow movement until he finally reached Tsukki’s arms, and more importantly, the ground, breathing heavy.

“Rip the bandaid off, huh?” Tsukishima mocked when both of Yamaguchi’s feet were on the mat. He quickly pulled his arms back to his sides.

Yamaguchi, however, was clearly not in the headspace for jokes and gripped onto Tsukishima’s shoulder while he calmed down.

Tsukishima tensed under the touch but didn’t back away until he knew Yamaguchi was steady. Finally, Yamaguchi stood up totally straight and brushed himself off in an attempt to gather some of his dignity, or at least what was left of it.

Yamaguchi sighed. “I guess you were right. Maybe we should’ve started smaller.”

And despite the utter mortification Tsukishima figured Yamaguchi must’ve been feeling in that moment, Yamaguchi still looked the taller boy in the eye and smiled, pushing his freckled cheeks up ever so slightly. “At least I had the balls to try.”

Tsukishima turned bright red at the sudden confidence from Yamaguchi who was rarely ever bold enough to say such things to him. “Shut up,” he mumbled, lightly smacking him upside the head.

“Sorry, Tsukki,” he giggled, sheepishly. Tsukishima rolled his eyes, taking note of how his best friend would never show his teeth when he smiled. Tsukishima wondered why.

-

“So, I had the appointment yesterday,” Yamaguchi said quietly, seemingly testing the waters of the subject while the two slurped on their ramen.

Tsukishima had been wondering, but of course he couldn’t have been the one to bring it up, so he was glad Yamaguchi finally mentioned it. “How’d it go?”

“Fine,” he sighed. “Not much happened. He basically said that I don’t need to start treatment until I start showing symptoms.”

Tsukishima caught the word ‘until’ and it rolled around in his head like a marble on a hardwood floor. “Oh,” he responded, unsure of what else to say.

“He said I can keep doing volleyball. In fact, it’ll be good for me to stay active.”

“Too bad rock climbing was a bust, then,” Tsukishima teased, keeping a straight face.

“Too soon!” Yamaguchi laughed, lightly shoving Tsukki.

It was moments like these where Tsukishima couldn’t help but let slip a genuine smile. The time he spent with Yamaguchi was rarely anything more than mundane, but still, he was the one person in the whole world who could make Tsukishima feel something, and every once in a while, he would even show it, too.

“You’re such a baby,” Tsukki snorted. “Why was rock climbing even on the list if you’re so scared of heights?”

Yamaguchi didn’t say anything.

“What?”

“You’ll laugh at me.”

“Probably.”

Yamaguchi frowned, weighing his options, ultimately opening his mouth to speak. “I’ve always wanted to know what everything looks like from on top of the world.”

Tsukishima stayed silent and let Yamaguchi speak.

“It’s like, I’ve always felt like this small, insignificant speck of dust. Like nothing I’ve ever done, no decision I’ve ever made will leave any sort of dent. I’ve always wondered that if I were to climb to the very top of Mount Everest or Fuji or Kilimanjaro that maybe I could look down on the world and see that I’m not the only one. I’m not alone, even if I am just dust.” Yamaguchi paused, taking a moment to search Tsukishima’s eyes for even a small piece of comfort. “I don’t know, I guess it’s dumb.”

“I guess,” Tsukishima mumbled in response. But deep down inside, Tsukishima supposed it did make a little sense.

“But hey,” Yamaguchi smiled, shaking it off. “At least I got out of my comfort zone a little.”

Tsukishima thought about that for a moment. “Overrated,” he eventually proclaimed. “Comfort zones are comfortable for a reason.”


	3. 3. go to party (drink alcohol?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto throws a party. Tsukishima will be in attendance with Yamaguchi but he will not be happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally getting into the longer chapters so stay tuned! ;)
> 
> also i guess every fic i write has to have a party scene where they get shitfaced? idfk

“So, what’s next on your stupid list?” Tsukishima found himself asking before popping a fruit gummy into his mouth. He lied flat on his bed, staring up at the ceiling while Yamaguchi sat criss cross on Tsukishima’s desk chair, scrolling mindlessly on his phone. Whenever the two had sleepovers, the energy always seemed to dip around 11pm, despite the fact that neither of them would sleep for a few more hours.

“Oh!” Yamaguchi exclaimed, excitedly opening the notes app on his phone and subsequently frowning upon seeing the next bullet point. “Oh.”

“What?”

Yamaguchi chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, you wouldn’t like this one, we can skip it.”

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes, hesitant to even ask. “What is it?”

“It’s, uh…” He looked too uncomfortable to even explain. “Here.” He held his phone out so Tsukishima could see.

He leaned over and read the words to himself.

“go to party (drink alcohol?)”

“Pfft,” Tsukishima huffed out. “Why would you want to do that?”

Yamaguchi shrugged. “It looks fun in the movies. But if you don’t want to, I get it. Plus, it’s not like we have a party to go to anyway.”

“Right,” Tsukishima responded, considering making a decision he would highly regret.

The conversation dropped off and Tsukki sighed, glancing at his phone. The timing was perfect… too perfect. He had been planning on ignoring the text messages from two idiots who insisted on calling Tsukki their “bro” but as much as he liked to pretend he was a stone cold bitch, there was very little he wouldn’t do for his best friend. He’d never admit that to anyone but himself, though.

VOLLEYBROS groupchat  
Today, 6:42pm  
Owl Motherfucker: the ‘rents r out of town  
Owl Motherfucker: u kno what that means ;)  
Kurooster: ill bring alc!!!!!  
Owl Motherfucker: fuck yes  
Owl Motherfucker: the rest of karasuno n nekoma r also invited  
Kurooster: good, already texted the team gc  
Owl Motherfucker: tsukki, u in?  
Kurooster: that antisocial prick? lol  
Today, 11:04pm  
Tsukishima Kei: When & where?

-

“Alright, and text me if you need anything,” Tsukishima’s mother said to the boys who were already exiting the car. “And if kids start drinking, call me and I’ll pick you up! I promise I won’t be mad! Okay, love you!”

“‘Kay,” Tsukishima grumbled at his mother, just before slamming the car door.

“Thank you for the ride!” Yamaguchi added.

The two of them watched her drive away before approaching the front door. “I’m nervous,” Yamaguchi admitted before knocking.

“You wanted this,” Tsukishima reminded him, and also himself, who at this moment was really regretting texting his volleybros.

They waited in silence for Bokuto to answer.

“Hey, hey, hey!” the beefy boy greeted, swinging his door open. “Come on in!”

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi followed his instructions and stepped into the house, gingerly taking off their shoes and setting them next to the rack which was already overflowing.

“Hey guys!” greeted Sugawara, of all people. “I didn’t think you would make it!”

His excitement felt backhanded.

Upon a more intent glance, Tsukishima noticed that everyone from his team was already occupying the living room, including Yachi and Kiyoko, the former of which was nibbling on a triscuit, very mouse-like. Were they really that late?

“Make yourselves at home,” Bokuto grinned at the pair. “Bathroom’s down that hallway and refreshments are in the kitchen. Drinking won’t start until 10:30 so if that sorta stuff makes you uncomfortable, you’re totally free to skedaddle. No judgement here, am I right, fellas?”

Tsukishima glanced at his watch. It was already 10. Some grace period.

“I think we’ll stick around, right Tsukki?” Yamaguchi prodded.

“Mm.”

“Alright!” Bokuto shouted, much louder than necessary. This was going to be a long night.

The consumption of alcohol started about five minutes later. God damn it, Bokuto.

The Karasuno first years seemed to all find each other. None had started drinking which made Tsukishima feel a little bit better. He just hoped Yamaguchi felt the same, despite the later half of the bullet point that got them there in the first place.

They sat in a circle on the ground, Kageyama and Hinata next to each other making a scene.

“Who wants to play never have I ever?” Hinata exclaimed, excitedly.

“You’re such a child,” Kageyama scoffed. Tsukishima said nothing, though he agreed. Never have I ever. Pfft. What a stupid idea.

Yachi spoke up, blushing slightly. “I’ve never played before, what are the rules?”

“You say a thing that you’ve never done before and if someone else in the circle has done it, they have to take a shot,” Hinata explained.

“Oh!” Yachi smiled. “I’ll play! Although I haven’t done much so it’s not like I’ll get many points.”

“No, you don’t want to have done the things,” Hinata went on. “It’s kind of like an innocence test.”

“In that case, you’ll pass with flying colors,” Tsukishima spoke up. He had to get a few hits in before Hinata started drinking. Then it’d just be too easy. “This is dumb.”

“Well we’ll need more than two players, won’t we?” Yachi asked.

“I’ll play, Yachi,” Yamaguchi decided. Tsukishima served him a cold glare that he didn’t catch.

She smiled at him, eyes bright, and he smiled back.

Why did that make Tsukishima’s guts churn?

“Kageyema?” Hinata turned to his better half, pouting. “Pleeease?”

“Ugh, fine, I’ll play if you stop making that stupid face,” he conceded.

Hinata jumped up onto his feet. “We’ll need drinks. I’d bet I can carry more shots than you, clumsy-yama!”

“Not if I carry them all first!”

And the two were off, shoving and pushing all the way to the kitchen.

Yamaguchi, to Tsukki’s surprise, was the one to keep the conversation going.

“So, Yachi, do you feel like you’re getting the hang of things? I know we can be overwhelming at first.” He giggled in a way that Tsukishima had only ever seen him do when they were alone together. Why was he laughing like that? It’s not like Yachi had said anything funny… 

“I think so!” she beamed. “It can be a little intimidating sometimes but it’s been a good way to get me out of my comfort zone. I’ve been learning so much!”

“That’s great,” Yamaguchi responded, smiling a bit wider.

Interrupting Tsukishima’s overwhelming urge to crush the water bottle he held in his hand, four bodies instead of two returned to the circle, all carrying shot glasses. Kageyama and Hinata had seemed to forget about their competition, favoring the idea of not breaking or spilling anything on the way back. They enlisted the help of Tanaka and Nishinoya who squeezed themselves into the circle opposite Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, forcing Yachi to move in closer to the number twelve.

“Mind if we crash your little first year party?” Tanaka grinned while Nishinoya snickered. The two had clearly been drinking already.

“Be my guest,” Tsukishima grumbled sarcastically.

The group decided to ignore his remark when Noya shouted across the room. “Asahi! Come join us?”

Asahi glanced over at the group who was hogging nearly all the shot glasses and chuckled. “Go easy on the first years!” And with that he took a sip of his beer and continued his conversation with Daichi and Akaashi. With the drink in his hand and his beard coming in, he looked so adult.

“Second years first,” Tanaka insisted, bringing the attention back to the game. No one protested and so he went on. “Never have I ever had sex.”

Nishinoya grabbed a glass from the pool in between them and downed the clear liquid.

“You have not!” Tanaka all but screamed.

“Have too!” he shouted back, then taking a second to think. “Does second base count?”

Tanaka just scoffed and pushed his friend over, who fell without any resistance. “Yachi, you wanna go?” he asked, looking to the girl to his left.

“Uh…” she thought long and hard. “Never have I ever kissed somebody.”

Nishinoya took another shot.

“Your granny doesn’t count,” Tanaka teased. “But your mom? She’s pretty much a MILF, bro.”

Noya’s eyes narrowed. “Fuck off!” He hit a snickering Tanaka in the arm.

“I have!” Hinata proclaimed, proudly, taking his first shot from the center. “In kindergarten, I had a girlfriend!” He knocked the drink back like he’d seen Nishinoya do twice now and grimaced when it hit the back of his throat. “She broke up with me when she got her growth spurt.”

The group burst into laughter while Hinata pouted. During the commotion, Yamaguchi quietly snagged a drink from the pile and poured it into his mouth slowly, making him gag.

Really? Yamaguchi had kissed someone? When? Why? How did Tsukishima not know? He knew everything about his best friend, even when sometimes he didn’t want to. Betrayal sunk deep into Tsukishima’s chest. This was too much. He needed air.

Without a word, Tsukishima stood up and showed himself out the front door. “Tsukki?” he heard Yamaguchi call behind him. He pretended not to hear.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t been the only one who felt the need to escape the atmosphere inside. Sitting close together on the hammock were Kuroo and Kenma, passing a joint between one another.

“Oh, hey, man,” Kuroo greeted, calmer than usual. “It’s pretty loud in there, huh?”

Tsukishima just shrugged and sat down in a decorative chair made of woven bamboo. It wasn’t very comfortable but he’d look stupid if he stood back up, so he resigned himself to the itchiness and just prayed it wouldn’t break beneath his weight.

“Wanna hit?”

Normally, Tsukishima would have said fuck no, who the hell do you take me for? However, tonight was not normal. He’d learned some very upsetting news about the person who he’d thought was his best friend. So yeah, he figured he’d earned this.

Tsukishima put the joint to his lips and breathed in, suppressing the urge to cough. Once the feeling in his lungs settled down, he took another hit before passing it back to Kuroo.

It was silent for a bit, while the three passed the joint back and forth. Kuroo only spoke when it was so burnt up his fingers nearly paid the price.

“Something on your mind?”

Kuroo seemed much more sincere now than he was when he was with Bokuto, or hell, even playing volleyball. Tsukishima had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with the blonde haired second year curled up at his side.

“Tadashi has cancer,” he blurted. Fuck, he really didn’t mean to say that. “Don’t tell anyone.”

“Fuck, man,” Kuroo sighed after a long pause. “That fucking blows.”

“Yeah.”

Kenma spoke for the first time since Tsukishima had come outside. “Are you sure he should be in there drinking, then?” There was no emotion in his voice as he checked the time on his phone, but he must’ve cared a little if he even brought it up in the first place.

Shit, Tsukishima hadn’t even thought about that. He had no idea what the effects of alcohol were on people with cancer but regardless, he felt guilty about leaving him alone. 

“You’re right,” he admitted, solemnly. “I should go check on him.”

He stood and started toward the door. He hesitated for a moment, considering thanking the boys, but he thought better of it. What would he even be thanking them for?

When Tsukishima turned the doorknob, he was not prepared for the blast of teenage boy smell that immediately hit his nose. He readjusted to this environment and wiped at his eyes underneath his glasses which suddenly stung like hell.

“Tsukki! Tsukki, hey!” Yamaguchi shouted, bouncing over to his friend. He was much drunker now than when Tsukishima left him. How long had he been outside?

“Are you okay?” he forced himself to ask, though he still wasn’t over the feeling of betrayal from earlier.

“What?” Yamaguchi questioned, brows furrowed dramatically. “I’m fine, fine, fine! I was worried about YOU! I was gonna go look for you and then Lev brought over more shots and oh, they’re gonna start karaoke soon, wanna do a song together?”

Tsukishima was not used to this version of Yamaguchi. He wasn’t sure if he liked it. “I…” he stuttered but was quickly cut off by Bokuto’s booming voice beckoning the attention of the room.

“Hey, hey, hey! It’s karaoke time!”

Yamaguchi looked up at Tsukishima. “Have you been smoking?”

Tsukishima didn’t have it in him to answer, so instead he sat on the floor, right where he was.

“First up,” Bokuto hollered. “Yamaguchi Tadashiiiii!”

“Ooh!” Yamaguchi squealed, jumping up in front of the television where his lyrics would be displayed. He knelt on the ground where a computer sat and took his time, typing. Eventually, he found what he was looking for and ‘You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette’ was displayed across the flat screen, causing several party goers to yell nonsense in excitement.

Tsukki didn’t know the song.

“I want you to know that I’m happy for you,” Yamaguchi sang, slightly off pitch. “I wish nothing but the best for you both.”

Chattering continued over his song but Tsukishima listened intently, strongly fighting the urge to tell everyone to shut up.

“An older version of me! Is she perverted like me?” Tsukishima was taken aback by the vulgar lyrics. “Would she go down on you in a theatre?”

Tsukishima felt a blush spread across his face. He wanted to run up there and grab Yamaguchi, make him stop embarrassing himself, tell him that coming here was all a terrible mistake, but his legs felt glued to the floor.

Yamaguchi continued, now screaming more than singing. By the end of the second chorus, Tsukishima wanted to lose consciousness. Somehow, none of this seemed fair.

At this point, Yamaguchi was definitely no longer singing. In fact, he was speaking to someone, but Tsukishima couldn’t turn his head far enough to see who. He found out soon enough when Yachi was being pulled up next to him. At first she refused but when the beat came back in, the two were singing together. Clearly she wasn’t very sober either.

“‘Cause the joke that you laid in the bed, that was me, and I’m not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes, and you know it!”

Yachi’s voice was actually quite nice, even when she was intoxicated. It infuriated Tsukishima.

“And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back, I hope you feel it! Well can you feel it?”

That was it. Tsukishima couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed onto the nearest thing he could which happened to be Kageyama’s leg and pulled himself up to a standing position.

“Hey, asshole, what the fuck?”

Tsukishima said nothing, just flipped off his peer, and made his way to Yamaguchi. The song wasn’t even over yet but he couldn’t wait any longer. People were staring. He didn’t care. He was having a horrible time and he wanted nothing more than to curl up in his own bed, with or without Yamaguchi.

He leaned in to whisper into Yamaguchi’s ear, who was no longer singing. “I want to go home.”

Yamaguchi’s face twisted into concern. 

“I’ll call your brother.”


	4. 4. go on a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima convinces Yamaguchi to ask out a particular blonde girl who he can tell he's had his eye on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate how people tend to characterize the third years, especially asahi but then i wrote this and im not so sure how i feel about it
> 
> but it's a fun chapter all in all! enjoy!

The car ride back to Tsukishima’s house was incredibly quiet, neither boy wanting to reveal their intoxicated states, but Akiteru of course knew.

The older Tsukishima was the first to speak when they were finally pulling into the driveway. “Thank you for calling me, Tadashi.”

Yamaguchi and Akiteru got along well and had been on a first name basis since Yamaguchi’s mother died and he started spending a lot of time at the Tsukishima household.

“Uh huh,” he responded, dazed, barely noticing they had arrived.

Tsukishima didn’t say a word to anyone while he stormed off to his room. He wasn’t sure if Yamaguchi was following but in that moment, he couldn’t find it within himself to care.

He realized as he closed his door that Yamaguchi had in fact followed, and now they were now frustratingly and painfully alone.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Tsukishima growled through gritted teeth.

He tried to take deep breaths and act like everything was totally normal while he took off his glasses and changed into pajama pants with little t-rexes printed all over them.

“Tsukki,” Yamaguchi continued to pry, which Tsukishima recognized he likely wouldn’t do sober. It bothered him, nonetheless.

What was he supposed to say? That he was mad Yamaguchi never told him about his first kiss? That he’d wanted Yamaguchi to stay sober with him? That he was jealous of the way he looked at Yachi and all of the time he spent talking to her?

Jealousy? Could that have been it?

“It’s nothing. I’m glad you had fun tonight, Tadashi.” The name tasted bitter in his mouth. It was intended to.

Tsukishima climbed into bed without another word, leaving Yamaguchi standing alone in the middle of the room.

It was quiet for a bit. Until:

“Tsukki.”

“What.”

“I didn’t bring my sleeping bag.”

“‘Kay.”

And then came more silence. Then movement. Then the rustling of sheets right next to Tsukishima.

It wasn’t like the two had never shared a bed before, but it wasn’t a regular occurrence at their sleepovers. It was only when they absolutely had to. Tsukishima was ready to tell Yamaguchi off for not even asking permission, like seriously, who just climbs into somebody else’s bed like that, but when he turned around he met Yamaguchi’s eyes, tired, glossed over, and a little bit red, and he was powerless to speak. So instead he just let his own eyelids fall.

Tsukishima was tired but the weight of his friend in his bed was a big enough difference to his normal sleeping routine that he needed a moment to get used to it. And it certainly didn’t help when Yamaguchi’s hand found its way to Tsukki’s shoulder, lightly tracing down his arm. 

He’s drunk, Tsukishima thought. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.

But for some damn reason, his heart was racing and he didn’t dare move when Yamaguchi locked their fingers together, his smaller hand laid on top of Tsukki’s.

“I love you.”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

-

“Fuck me,” was the first thing Tsukishima heard when he woke up.

Yamaguchi was perched on the edge of Tsukishima’s bed, rubbing his temples furiously, eyes squeezed shut. Not yet having taken any time to don his snarky attitude, Tsukishima propped himself up on one elbow and yawned, “You doing okay?”

“I feel like I got hit by a train.”

Tsukishima chuckled and leaned across his friend to snatch his glasses from his bedside table. Perhaps those glasses were the epicenter of his negative energy because Tsukishima then said, starting to feel more himself, “Serves you right.”

“Guess so,” Yamaguchi solemnly agreed. “God, how much did I even drink last night?”

“I’m not sure,” Tsukishima admitted. “What do you remember?”

Yamaguchi thought for a moment. “I think all the bits and pieces are there, it’s just the details that are a bit fuzzy.”

Tsukishima’s heart stopped. Did he remember holding his hand as they fell asleep? He couldn’t ask.

“Tsukki, can you get me water?” Yamaguchi pleaded in a whiny tone that did not incline Tsukishima to do him any favors.

“Get it yourself.”

“What if I play the cancer card?” Tsukishima glared. “Fine, be right back.”

This was the first time in about 24 hours Tsukishima had been alone in a room, he realized. He questioned why he already missed Yamaguchi’s presence. He tried to find it within himself to still be angry but sleep had shaken most of that. The red hot was all faded now and everything was left tinted a grey blue.

Tsukishima plopped down on his back again and let his mind replay the events of the previous night. The most prominent in his memories was his best friend pulling Yachi up to the front of the room to sing with him. Sure, Yachi was objectively the better singer but even though Tsukishima had been seething, he still couldn’t take his attention off the boy. His off pitch singing was endearing, and the way he smiled at Yachi, even though it was sloppy and fueled by substance, Tsukki couldn’t help but wish he’d been up there with him instead.

No, this was ridiculous. The only thing Tsukishima wished was that he could go back in time to stop Yamaguchi from making such a fool of himself in the first place. He flung the covers off his body and strode towards his dresser, suddenly becoming aware of a rather hard problem.

How long had that been there?

Oh, fuck, how long had that been there?

Tsukishima just hoped it hadn’t been present while Yamaguchi was still in his bed. Or maybe he hoped it had. If the latter was true, he could just blame it on his pesky adolescent male hormones. If the former was true, well, Tsukishima didn’t want to think about what that meant.

Regardless, Tsukishima changed out of his dinosaur pajama pants into a pair of jeans that seemed to hide it sufficiently. Yamaguchi creaked the door open, glass of water in hand, while Tsukki slipped off his sleep shirt and rummaged around in his top drawer.

“Sorry,” Yamaguchi said out of instinct, though neither of them really cared. Between changing before volleyball practice and years of sleepovers, they’d pretty much seen everything already.

Tsukishima eventually settled on a plain black v-neck and threw it over his head. He turned to Yamaguchi who had already sprawled out on top of Tsukishima’s crumpled sheets.

“Feel any better?”

“Barely,” he sighed. “At least it’s downgraded from train to city bus.”

“You looked pretty dumb last night.” Cold.

Yamaguchi covered his face with a pillow. “Ugh, don’t remind me.”

“Trust me,” Tsukishima scoffed. “It’s not much fun for me to think about either.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He peeked out from behind the pillow. “Can we just forget last night ever happened?”

“Fine by me.” Tsukishima paused. “As long as we don’t have to go to another party to make up for it.”

Yamaguchi sat up and grabbed his phone from where it sat on Tsukki’s night stand. “I’ll cross it off the list, don’t worry.”

“So what’s next?” Tsukishima regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. He was beginning to rather despise this stupid bucket list.

“Uh,” Yamaguchi hesitated for a moment. “Go on a date.”

Tsukishima didn’t know what to say to that, though if he weren’t feeling so calm this morning, he probably would’ve made some stupid joke. Instead, he figured his signature snark should do.

“This one should be a cake walk.” Sarcasm oozed out of his voice.

“What do you mean?”

What did he mean? Tsukishima wasn’t quite sure.

“You and Yachi seemed to be getting rather close last night.”

Ah, so that’s what he meant.

“Oh,” Yamaguchi blushed. Tsukishima felt sick. 

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima never really talked about their love lives, mainly because there wasn’t much to speak of. Sure, Tsukishima got the occasional love confession but he knew it was only because he was smart and tall. It never came from anyone who was worth his time.

“You should ask her out.” What was Tsukishima saying?

“You think so?”

“Sure.” No! “You should text her.”

“You think she’d be up this early?” Yamaguchi asked, already typing away on his phone.

“I don’t know, she seemed pretty fucked up last night.” Yes. Good. Back pedal. Make this nightmare of a situation end.

But the damage was done.

“Proofread this for me?” Yamaguchi shoved his phone into Tsukishima’s face.

The text had already been sent and Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Should’ve asked me before you sent it.” Still, he grabbed onto the phone himself and his eyes flitted across the screen.

“had fun last night. wanna hang soon? :)”

“Looks good, I guess,” he grumbled, handing Yamaguchi’s phone back. Looking at that message for much longer might’ve made him throw up.

“Oh, she’s typing!” Yamaguchi smiled as he read her response. “Yeah, last night was great. Are you free Thursday before practice?”

Thursday was usually when Tsukki and Yamaguchi would go buy kettle corn and sit by the baseball field while they helped each other study. It was tradition. It was their routine. And stupid Yachi was messing it all up. “Say yes, dumbass.”

Yamaguchi hesitated momentarily but ultimately smiled and went back to his phone to confirm their plans.

The silence that occurred after was awkward. Tsukishima opened his mouth to say something, he wasn’t sure what, but Yamaguchi beat him to it.

“She wants to go to the food carts,” Yamaguchi explained more calmly than Tsukki expected from him. “You should come too.”

He scoffed. “Third wheel on your date?” The sentence was uncomfortable in his mouth. “I’ll pass.”

“You could bring someone else,” Yamaguchi offered. “Like a double date! Maybe Azumane?”

Asahi? Why him? Surely it would be strange to ask a third year to tag along on their outing. But more importantly, why was another boy the first thought that came to Yamaguchi’s mind when he needed to pair Tsukishima with someone in a pinch for their two on two rendezvous?

“Uh, yeah, maybe,” was all Tsukishima could muster.

-

For one reason or another, Azumane had agreed. It probably had something to do with the fact that Tsukishima’s pitch had been simply, “A few of us are going to get food before practice, wanna come?”

“Tsukki, I didn’t realize this was like a date thing,” the ace whispered, despite the fact that Yamaguchi and Yachi were far enough ahead that they wouldn’t have heard anyway. It was decidedly awkward, the third year tagging along, and they all knew it. Not that Azumane had any sort of aversion to the first years, he just really had no sort of relationship with them, unlike he did with their fearless number 9 and 10.

“I didn’t know,” Tsukishima lied. It was much less embarrassing than the truth, which was along the lines of ‘Yamaguchi invited me to hang out with him and Yachi while they were on their date and I didn’t want to third wheel but I can’t say no to him when he looks at me with those eyes.’

Without another word, the three arrived at their destination. The first years all hesitated, none of them wanting to be the first to take a menu. Azumane pushed through and ordered his food confidently.

Since the ice had been broken, Yachi went next, then Yamaguchi. When it was Tsukishima’s turn, all he ordered was a ramune.

When they all had their food and beverages, they sat down and commenced the small talk.

For the first time ever, Tsukishima could say honestly that all he wanted to do was go to practice.

“I’m glad you could make it, Azumane!” Yachi smiled genuinely, though her voice trembled a bit, betraying the fact that she was still a bit afraid of him.

“Yeah, thanks for coming,” Tsukishima grumbled before taking a sip of his ramune. The least he could do was at least try to be civil, he did drag him into this painfully awkward situation in the first place.

“You know, you can just call me Asahi,” he chuckled, smiling at the tall blonde sitting next to him. He was clearly still uncomfortable with how his teammates referred to him as if he were a bomb who would explode at one little impolite slip up.

Tsukishima tried to conjure a smile in return but gave up, knowing it would look stupid anyway.

Yamaguchi kicked Tsukki under the table. He didn’t acknowledge it.

“So, how are your classes going, Yamaguchi?” Yachi asked, turning to the boy next to her.

“Pretty good,” he said. “I don’t have quite as much done as I’d like in terms of studying for exams but I’m not too worried.”

“That’s good to hear,” she sang, sweetly, her cheeks pushing up as she grinned ear to ear.

Tsukishima’s height gave him the boost he needed to see their hands touch under the table. Ugh.

“You okay?” Asahi asked Tsukishima, who then realized he must have been making a face.

“Yeah, I’m--” he was cut off by Yamaguchi standing rapidly.

“Oh, don’t mind me,” he laughed, nervously. “I just need to… find a bathroom.”

The three watched him speed walk off and around the corner. 

That was weird.

Tsukki should check on him.

“Come to think of it, I need to go too,” Tsukishima fibbed. “Be right back.”

Tsukishima walked quickly, so as not to lose sight of Yamaguchi, but didn’t run just in case he was being watched. As he rounded the corner, he saw his friend slip into an alleyway off of the main road. He picked up his pace and continued to follow.

After turning that final corner, Tsukishima stopped dead in his tracks when he laid his eyes on Yamaguchi, leaning on the wall of a dirty old building, his hands completely covering his face. The feeling of not knowing what the fuck to do only got worse when he saw Yamaguchi’s shoulders start to shake. Tsukishima was terrible at this.

“Hey.” Tsukishima tried to sound soft but it only came out as annoyed.

Yamaguchi jumped but relaxed when he saw who was there. “Oh. Sorry.” He slid down the wall to the ground.

“You apologize too much.”

Yamaguchi said nothing and wiped his tears.

With a sigh, Tsukki sat down next to him, not daring to make eye contact. He just let it be quiet for a bit, hoping that Yamaguchi would speak first. When he didn’t, he figured he might as well give being comforting a go. 

“What’s wrong.” It sounded more like a statement than a question, but hey, he was trying.

“I…” Yamaguchi started. He crumpled inward even further. “I can’t do this.”

He really wasn’t giving Tsukishima much to go on. Tsukishima did his best to keep his frustration at bay. “Can’t do what?”

“Date Yachi.”

Well that wasn’t what he’d been expecting.

“What do you mean?”

“I tried to convince myself to like her but I just… I just can’t,” Yamaguchi admitted. “But I should. She’s cute and smart and she likes me! No one’s ever liked me before.”

“I like you,” Tsukki said, letting the words tumble from his mouth without giving them much thought.

“That’s different.” It seemed Yamaguchi didn’t think too hard about them either. “I tried so hard and now I’m just going to have to let her down. She’s been nothing but kind to me and I have to look her in the face and tell her that I’m just the kind of person who only wants what he can’t have.”

What was that supposed to mean? Tsukishima wanted to ask but instead just replayed the memory of never have I ever in his head, where Yamaguchi had admitted to having his first kiss. Fuck, Kei, focus, he thought to himself. Your best friend needs you.

“I’m sure she’ll understand,” Tsukishima offered, weakly. He didn’t feel like he was helping.

The tears were starting again. “I’m not even sure I understand.” 

Not much Yamaguchi said was making any sense to Tsukishima. It was quiet for a moment, before Yamaguchi connected the dots for him.

“Tsukki,” he sniffled, lifting his chin to meet his best friend’s eyes. “I think I’m gay.”

Their eyes remained locked, neither boy daring to speak, or even move, the only sound between them being their quiet breaths, forcing their chests to rise and fall.

“Are you sure?” Tsukishima broke the silence, realizing quickly that he’d most definitely said the wrong thing.

Yamaguchi looked startled and hurt, but in a moment of bravery, he said, “Yeah. I’m sure.”

And Tsukishima had never been more proud.

“I’m glad you felt like you could tell me,” Tsukishima admitted earnestly, a gentle smile playing on his lips.

“Well, I figured if anyone would be cool with it, it’d be you.”

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. If he were in Yamaguchi’s place, he’d be terrified of getting an unaccepting response. Not that he was homophobic, his grumpy demeanor was just difficult to approach in times of need.

“Oh, I, uh…” Yamaguchi stuttered, turning bright red. “Aren’t you also… gay?”

Now it was his turn to blush. “What? Where’d you get that impression?”

“I thought you had a crush on Azumane,” Yamaguchi defended, embarrassed. “I saw you staring at him at the party the way I’ve only ever seen you look at-- I’m sorry.”

Tsukishima wanted to question him further about his strange assumption but decided he’d shake it off and save it for another day. Right now, he had a best friend to be there for. “Whatever. I’m glad you told me regardless.”

“Thank you,” Yamaguchi said, though Tsukishima wasn’t sure why.

So he just said, “You’re welcome.” And the two sat there together and stared at the dirt on their shoes.


	5. 5. come out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi decides to come out to his teammates in his own subtle way, which leads to him learning information he may have been better off without.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i took a lil week-ish break from writing but i'm back and better than ever!
> 
> thanks for the love on my chapters, especially y'all who keep coming back! i see you, i appreciate you! thanks so muchhh :)

“You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know. I want to.”

After the absolute failure of a date that took place the day before, Yamaguchi spent the night with Tsukishima once more, despite the fact that it was a school night. He was vulnerable and didn’t want to be alone. He wasn’t great at it, but Tsukki was glad he could be Yamaguchi’s rock.

“If you’re absolutely sure.” Tsukishima was incredibly proud of Yamaguchi for deciding to come out to their team but he knew it was going to be easier said than done. The last thing he wanted was for Yamaguchi to have another anxiety attack. He wasn’t sure he could handle that.

“I am. I’m just not sure what I’m supposed to say, you know?” Yamaguchi twirled his hair between his fingers.

“Right.” Tsukishima really didn’t get the point of coming out. Why was that anyone else’s business? And why should one risk so much for such little reward? But he could tell it meant a lot to Yamaguchi, so he did his best to be supportive. “I mean, why not just gather everyone together and say it?”

“I don’t know, it just feels awkward,” Yamaguchi said, clearly feeling guilty for shooting Tsukishima down. “Plus, what if they don’t accept me? I don’t want to embarrass myself like that.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “They’re going to accept you. They’re your friends. And if they don’t, they’ll have to deal with me.”

“Aw, Tsukki, are you insinuating you’d throw hands for me?” Yamaguchi laughed.

“Oh, fuck no,” Tsukishima scoffed. “I’d tear them down psychologically. I love you but I am not breaking a nail for you.”

Tsukishima stiffened, painfully aware of the fact that this was the first time he’d said those words to Yamaguchi.

I love you.

Yamaguchi must’ve noticed too because the room went silent for a moment. It may have only been a few seconds, but to Tsukishima, it felt like a lifetime.

“I guess I should’ve expected that,” Yamaguchi attempted to joke, still seemingly a little dazed.

“Heh.”

“Um,” Yamaguchi stuttered. “What about cookies? I could write it on cookies with frosting.”

Tsukishima cringed.

“Okay, yeah, that’s stupid,” Yamaguchi agreed.

Not willing to endure any more horrible silence, Tsukishima changed the subject to the first thing he could think of, which just happened to be that stupid list that would really be the death of him. “So, what comes next? On your bucket list, I mean.”

At this point, Yamaguchi didn’t need to look at the list anymore. “I want to make a playlist.”

Tsukishima furrowed his brows in confusion.

“A playlist?”

“Yeah!” Yamaguchi said, excitedly. “Like, of all my favorite songs! Or maybe a couple, you know, for when I’m in different moods.”

“Easy there, cowboy,” Tsukki teased.

“I know it’s not exciting or whatever but I’ve never done it,” Yamaguchi confessed. “And you’ve got a lot of playlists, maybe you could show me some for inspiration.”

This was true, Tsukishima was a serial playlist maker. He had playlists for every mood imaginable. That said, he never let anyone listen to them, not even Yamaguchi. He could see his friend prying but he would not give in. Of course Tsukki trusted Yamaguchi more than anybody, but no one could be trustworthy enough to know his Spotify user.

“Yeah, maybe.”

Yamaguchi smiled at him with pursed lips.

“Why don’t you ever smile with your teeth?” Tsukishima asked, suddenly. The question not only seemed to surprise Yamaguchi, but also himself.

“Oh,” Yamaguchi said, like he’d never really noticed it was something he did in the first place. “I guess it’s just ‘cause I don’t really like my teeth? I don’t know, they were super fucked up before I had braces and now I guess it’s just a habit.”

“I like your teeth.” Wow, creepy much? “I think you should smile more.”

Tsukishima kept the thought that he wanted to be the one who got to see his smile the most to himself.

“Then start being funny,” Yamaguchi snapped back, not holding back his grin this time.

His teeth were perfectly straight, courtesy of the braces, and his smile really did stretch from ear to ear. Tsukishima couldn’t help but stare at the boy sitting just feet from him.

“Uh, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi pulled Tsukishima out of his thoughts.

“I have an idea.”

Yamaguchi followed Tsukki who’d bolted to the other side of his room without a word. He rummaged through his school supplies, picking out his favorite mechanical pencil, and then snatched a moleskin off of his bookshelf. He then returned to his bed and opened the notebook. “C’mere.” He patted the spot right beside him and Yamaguchi obediently occupied it.

Tsukishima got to work, scribbling and doodling his concept onto the paper messily. It wasn’t exactly a perfect representation of his thoughts since Tsukishima couldn’t draw for shit but it got the point across. Another huge grin spread across Yamaguchi’s face.

“Cute.”

“Thanks.” Tsukki tried not to blush. “It seemed like a good way to come out but not really have to say anything.”

“And it’s funny,” Yamaguchi added. “I like it.”

So with their sloppy thumbnail sketch, the two got to work.

-

The next morning, the two woke up closer than either had expected. They’d shared Tsukishima’s bed again and though there’d been no hand holding, at some point during the night, cuddling seemed to have commenced.

“Sorry, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi yawned sleepily, pulling away from the taller boy and rolling out of bed.

Tsukishima took a moment to recuperate and then followed his friend, pushing down any strange thoughts that started to creep into his mind.

“Today’s the day,” Tsukishima stated very matter of factly. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah. I’m ready.” Yamaguchi sounded so confident and it made Tsukishima want to melt into the floor.

The two got dressed and started their walk to school.

“We did a good job,” Yamaguchi said after a few minutes of walking in silence, looking down at himself.

“Yeah,” Tsukishima agreed. He stepped in front of his friend causing a slight collision, but Yamaguchi took a step back when he realized Tsukki was just admiring the shirt.

It was a bit sloppy but Tsukishima was proud of their work. It was a white t-shirt that they’d stolen from Akiteru’s room and colored the sleeves in rainbow. On the front it read: “Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not.”

“Are the rainbows too much?” Yamaguchi started to worry. They had been his idea.

They did look a bit abrasive but Tsukishima didn’t want to take away the excitement he saw in Yamaguchi’s eyes. “Not at all.”

Yamaguchi had decided to keep his jacket all zipped up until the team meeting after school. He was ready to come out to his friends but his teachers and classmates were a bit more than he was prepared to handle. It wasn’t until after school when the team was sitting on the ground, listening to Ukai speak that Yamaguchi shrugged off his jacket like it was no big deal.

No one noticed for a while. It wasn’t until the team was standing to begin their stretches that someone saw.

That someone happened to be none other than Tanaka Ryuunosuke.

“Bro, you’re gay? That’s sick, dude!”

So much for keeping it subtle.

It wasn’t long before everyone was crowding Yamaguchi, giving him slaps on the back and telling him they support him no matter what.

At least their reaction was positive.

“Thanks guys,” Yamaguchi said sheepishly, clearly a bit overwhelmed.

But happy.

Tsukki could tell beyond a shadow of a doubt that Yamaguchi was happy.

“You’re so brave,” Suga offered sweetly. “You’ve handled everything lately with such grace. We’re all so proud of you, I hope you know that.”

The grey haired boy enveloped his teammate in a hug which everyone quickly piled onto. Tsukishima watched, biting back a smile.

“It’s really nothing,” Yamaguchi blushed. “I’m gay and that’s just how I am. It doesn’t make me sad, it’s not something that needs handling. I’m just happy I can be myself around you guys.”

“I know,” Suga said, breaking off. “But not just that. I know you’ve had a rough go--”

“What do you mean?”

Tsukishima saw Yamaguchi’s smile fall away. His heart plummeted into his stomach. Did the team know?

“You know, your… diagnosis,” Sugawara replied, trying not to sound insensitive.

Everyone in the room became tense. Including Ukai. Especially Tsukishima.

“How did you know about that?” Yamaguchi asked through gritted teeth, though the room was otherwise silent and everyone could hear clearly.

“Daichi told me. Was I not supposed to know?”

Tsukishima saw the gears in Yamaguchi’s brain turning. “Who told Daichi?”

“I did,” Hinata revealed without hesitation. “And Kenma told me.”

Oh.

Oh no.

“Kozume?” Yamaguchi shout whispered.

Tears welled in Yamaguchi’s eyes and it was all Tsukishima’s fault. He knew Yamaguchi wasn’t ready to tell anyone and he let his bitterness about the party get in the way of that. Tsukishima felt his stomach tighten.

“Alright, let’s get to stretches,” Coach Ukai interrupted, breaking the awkward tension.

Practice was stiff that day.

The atmosphere remained so until Tskishima broke the silence on their walk home.

“I told Kenma,” he admitted without prompting.

It was silent again, all the way up until Yamaguchi turned and broke off from Tsukishima’s side.

What had he done?


	6. 6. make a playlist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima apologizes to Yamaguchi.

It had been sixteen days since Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had spoken.

Yes, Tsukishima was keeping count.

To be fair, the silence was mostly on him. After confessing to his unauthorized blabbing, he mostly stayed out of Yamaguchi’s way. He figured he would want space.

At least that’s what Tsukishima would want if the roles were reversed.

When the two were in practice, sometimes their eyes would meet but Tsukishima would always quickly pretend to be doing something else.

But dear God, he was getting tired.

And to be truthful, lonely. He missed his best friend. The two had never gone this long without speaking. It was strange and he thought he might get used to it but he hadn’t so far.

Eventually, there was no choice but for Tsukishima to come to the conclusion he’d been avoiding for over two weeks now: he was going to have to apologize.

Apologizing had never been Tsukishima’s strong suit. Sure, he apologized for little things all the time, like bumping into someone on the street or accidentally eating the leftovers in the fridge labeled 'AKITERU', but Tsukishima’s default was to convince himself he was in the right. In other words, he wasn’t used to feeling so damn guilty.

“I just don’t know how to do this,” Tsukishima found himself whining to Kuroo Tetsuro. Clearly all hope must have been lost if he was stooping so low.

“I know,” Kuroo sighed. “But you do owe this to him. It doesn’t have to be some big thing, he knows that isn’t you.”

Tsukishima took the pause between the two boys as an opportunity to take in his surroundings. He usually studied at his desk in his own bedroom, Yamaguchi falling asleep in some textbook on the floor. It’s not like he couldn’t study alone, in fact he had been for sixteen days now, but Tsukishima figured he could use this opportunity to branch out and get some advice from his less boisterous volleybro (not that that really meant much).

He refused to admit it was because he was lonely.

But what Tsukishima hadn’t been expecting was Kuroo abandoning his backpack almost immediately and pulling an old, yellowed bong out of his closet.

“Want?” Kuroo asked, gesturing the device towards Tsukishima.

“I’m good.” The last time Tsukishima smoked weed he happened to blab about the one thing he’d promised to keep secret so yeah, he’d better not.

“Good. Smart.”

Tsukishima just hoped his clothes didn’t still smell when he got home.

“So, what’s such a bad idea about just pulling Yamaguchi aside and giving him a genuine apology?” Kuroo continued, blowing out a puff of smoke.

“What part of ‘I don’t know how’ don’t you understand?” Tsukishima snapped.

“Oh,” Kuroo said, looking startled. “Like… you don’t know how to apologize? At all?”

Tsukishima did his best to hide the blush spreading across his cheeks. “Apologizing isn’t something I like to make a habit of.”

Tsukishima watched the gears turn in Kuroo’s head. He could tell he was doing his best not to laugh. “Uh, right, okay. Apologies tend to consist of the words I’m sorry--”

Tsukishima grabbed a pillow off Kuroo’s bed and gave him a good smack. This brought out the laughter he was already barely keeping in.

“--and usually, you’ll say what you’re apologizing for.”

“Great, thanks for the help.” Tsukishima grabbed his bag with a roll of his eyes and headed toward the door. This was all such a waste of his time.

“No, wait, don’t be like that!” Kuroo complained through his laughter. “Come on, sit back down, let me help you.”

Tsukishima stopped his hand reaching for the doorknob and sighed, returning to Kuroo on the floor. “You’re seriously the worst, Kuroo.”

“And yet you’re still here.”

That was an undeniable fact, but the deeper truth was that Tsukishima wasn’t there for himself. He was there for Yamaguchi, the only person in the world he would swallow his pride for.

“What’s your love language?” Kuroo asked out of nowhere.

“Right,” Tsukishima scoffed. “I’m also a Libra, I’m a cat person, and I like long walks on the beach, now will you please take this seriously?”

Kuroo laughed again, with less malice this time. “No, seriously, I promise this is relevant.”

“Honestly? I have no fucking clue.”

“Do you even know what they are?” Kuroo questioned. Tsukishima shook his head. “Man, this is why you’re hopeless! There’s five different ways a person receives love. Acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time.”

Tsukishima found this incredibly stupid. Only five ways to receive love? That can’t be right. Still, he decided to humor Kuroo. “Uh, maybe quality time?”

“Oh,” Kuroo stopped. “That one’s tricky in this situation, I guess. What’s Yamaguchi’s?”

Tsukishima didn’t need to think about this for long. He knew Yamaguchi like the back of his hand. “Probably acts of service.”

“Perfect!” Kuroo exclaimed, making Tsukishima jump. “Just do something nice for him as an apology and he’ll super appreciate it. What’s something he’s been meaning to get done that you could help him with?”

And then Tsukishima was back to that God forsaken bucket list.

He hesitated to bring it up, but the cat was already out of the bag. It wasn’t like this would do anymore harm. “He has a bucket list I’ve been helping him complete.”

“That’s great! What’s next on the list?”

“I think it’s to make a playlist.” Tsukishima attempted to recall the last time he saw the list on Yamaguchi’s phone.

Kuroo smiled. “There you go.”

This was perfect. Tsukishima could apologize via music. His Spotify account was a place he liked to retreat to when the world around him got rough, so this wasn’t going to be too hard for him.

Tsukishima barely spent the next twenty minutes on Kuroo’s bedroom floor before excusing himself with some lame lie along the lines of, “I need to go home and turn off the thing I left on all day.” Tsukishima had no time to waste; he was now a man on a mission.

He couldn’t wait any longer to get his best friend back.

After practically running the whole way home, Tsukishima ignored his mother’s questions about what he wanted for dinner and his brother’s teasing of his disheveled hair and sprinted straight up the stairs to his room. He shut the door behind him, a little louder than he’d meant to, and sat down at his desk, opening the Spotify application on his computer.

But when the green logo popped up on his screen, he realized this might be a little trickier than he was hoping.

All of Tsukishima’s private playlists stared at him, reminding him of his seriously embarrassing music taste.

Okay, it really wasn’t that bad. Dodie and Lorde had millions of streams for a reason. The problem was that Tsukishima had a reputation to uphold, meaning no one aside from Yamaguchi got to know about what he listened to on his clunky silver headphones. Even though he had shared his music with his best friend in the past, it hardly seemed appropriate anymore.

Surely, there were some songs about apologies he could slap together that wouldn't kill him from embarrassment. He looked through his playlist titled ‘FML’.

Mr. Loverman by Ricky Montgomery.

SLOW DANCING IN THE DARK by Joji.

Love Like You from Steven Universe.

This might not work after all.

He tried another. ‘vibes’.

Nobody by Mitski.

Like Real People Do by Hozier.

Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood.

Fuck.

Tsukishima sighed and resigned himself to never getting his favorite person back and being lonely for the rest of his life. He scrolled through his playlists and nearly pressed play on ‘FML’ before stopping himself (he wasn’t that pathetic) and instead shuffling his liked songs.

He skipped a few songs before settling on Hurt You by The Weeknd, which quietly rang out through his laptop’s shitty speakers. Tsukishima collapsed onto his bed in shame, mouthing along to the music.

The Spotify gods must have been on his side that day because immediately upon hearing the chorus, Tsukishima was struck with an idea.

Tsukishima didn’t skip a beat, jumping up from his bed and back to his computer. It was time to get to work.

His idea was cheesy, but Yamaguchi would like it. That is, if he accepted the apology.

Tsukishima began a new playlist and prayed.

‘for tadashi’  
I’m So Sorry by Imagine Dragons  
I Didn’t Mean To by Sarah Barrios  
Hurt You by The Weeknd  
Please by Jagger Finn  
Forgive Me by Versus the World

Tsukishima listened through the whole thing. Once. Twice. Three times. It was a little all over the place but it would do. After careful consideration, he added one more song.

My Life Would Suck Without You by Kelly Clarkson

After one more listen, he closed Spotify on his computer and reopened it on his phone. His finger hovered over the share button. This was so stupid. Yamaguchi would never accept his apology anyway and he’ll have embarrassed himself for nothing.

But the thought of potentially falling asleep next to his favorite person in the world once again was enough to encourage him to hit send.

Tsukishima set his phone down next to his computer and let out a sigh of relief. At least the apology part was over. Now all he had to do was wait.

He turned back to his computer and played Best Friend by Rex Orange County on repeat until his mother called him down for dinner.

-

Sixteen hours later, as Tsukishima got ready for school, his phone finally buzzed with a text from the boy who’d been running through his mind.

From tadashi:  
can we talk before practice?

Tsukishima typed out a response quickly but decided not to hit send until he was out the door. He didn’t want to appear like he was just waiting around for a response, even though he absolutely was.

The day was seriously agonizing while he waited to meet with Yamaguchi outside the gym. Seconds felt like hours. Tsukishima tried to pass the time by tracing the bones in his hand with the back of his pencil which did not work in the slightest.

But somehow, even through all this waiting, the time between Tsukishima’s last class and meeting up with Yamaguchi was blurred, practically gone from his memory, and Tsukishima found himself face to face with his best friend, with the answer to his apology.

“I made you a playlist,” Yamaguchi said before Tsukki could start to spiral.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

Yamaguchi dug his phone out of his pocket and plugged his earbuds into it, handing the right one to Tsukki and taking the left for himself. The two sat against the wall of the gymnasium and Yamaguchi pressed play.

Alone Together by Fall Out Boy played into Tsukishima’s ear.

He smiled.

They were back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first and foremost: thanks so much for the love on this fic!! i'm having so much fun writing it and i'm glad others are enjoying as well.
> 
> also... considering making these into actual playlists? i'd keep them private on my spotify acc so theyd only be accessible by link but lmk if you would listen to them!


End file.
